On NOT Finishing Things — The Scream Shed

[Originally written 12-20-19]

I once watched an episode of the tv show House where he figures out that the patient has bipolar disorder, and his current condition was the result of an experimental treatment to "fix' it, based in part on the unfinished projects around his house. At the time, I sort of resented that. It was never a part of the diagnostic criteria that I had read and I had finished plenty of things, I'll have you know. *pouting,arms crossed*

As time goes on, I recognize it happening in my life, though I don't know how much is just life and how much is a side effect of my mental illness.

I started this blog wanting to blog every day. Then I saw that my first post had my legal name, freaked out, and decided that I needed to fix it before I posted any more. I have several half finished posts and a few finished posts but none of them have been added to the site . I haven't fixed the authorship issue. I also realized that while I wanted to write about movies, I didn't actually know how to do that or how to watch a movie in a way that lends itself to that. I just got a book in on that as part of a Christmas gift, but I haven't started reading it yet. [Update since original writing: have started but am only on chapter 1. I have fixed the issue with the blog though and am posting this]

I need to update my resume so I can look for different, better paying jobs in my field with this current "first job in my field" on that resume. [Update: I have updated my resume and downloaded a copy on my phone. This will make it easy to do quick applications from my phone even over breaks at work.]

I have been in my apartment since March and it is not completely unpacked. I am reminded of a scene early in the movie The Incredibles where Helen calls Bob while he's at work to tell him that they are finally moved in. He asks her about the 3 years before this that they've lived there, do those not count. We can see 3 empty boxes on the floor by the door as she explains that she just unpacked the last boxes, so they are finally moved in. I remember this and I don't feel so bad anymore. Several of the things I still need to do cost money- new beds for the kids, shelves in my bedroom and the bathroom ,a new bookshelf or two so I can unpack all my books. I also spent July thru November mostly at my primary boyfriend's house, helping him through a hard time. Even now that I spend more nights in my apartment, it is mostly just when I have my kids so there is a limited amount that I can do.

Bouncing back to my writing, I have several outlines and ideas for books that I have never finished.

So much to do, so much that I start in times I have energy and some time, just not really enough time to finish it all at once. Or my energy runs out. Depression and the bleh of short days ("isn't it midnight already?" "no baby, it's 6 o'clock. It's just fully dark.") Then I feel bad for procrastinating. And I have to do this laundry and this these dishes and now I'm tired again.

Tomorrow we are celebrating Christmas with the kids,my parents, and my primary boyfriend . After the children go to bed tonight, i still have presents I need to wrap, a bit of cleaning to still do, which I can really only do after they go to bed, which is after I'm already tired from 8 hours of work and several hours of being with the kids. I'm thankful for the boyfriend's help or it would really only be mac & cheese and a meat tray for Christmas dinner. [Update: I got everything I wanted to do for our little family Christmas and it went off amazingly. I had a great time and so did the kids, even though I now know not to make anything but Kraft mac & cheese for the kids.]

The list gets longer and longer but there isn't any more time.

Epilogue: After writing this, I sat down and wrote up first a list of the things that I really wanted to get done and then I made a calendar of the two weeks after, which includes a day off for Christmas and a weekend without kids or my primary boyfriend, setting aside specific time to deal with the resume and the blog issues, among other things. I’m still fairly proud of myself for getting things done so far.