And then I bit you

This weekend I had some real moments of doubt about this thing we're doing. Not about us as partners. Not about all the talk of our future. Not about being poly and hopefully starting to make other connections once we're vaccinated. No my doubts were about the BDSM, about me being the Mistress and you being the submissive. I know you aren't cut out for it being the other way. I am not sure I'd even want you to try to do that. But we also havent found that spot for you, that thing that gets you worked up the way it does me, that subspace. You want me to push you but I'm not exactly sure how. I feel like I am failing you, like I am failing us. Any other time, we'd just go to all the demos and classes we could, learn from and play with whoever we could. I know enough people in our local community. But we still aren't out there in it because of covid risk.

Then, I bit you.

You got into a bad headspace about something. When I came out of the bathroom, you were on top of the covers, cuddled up to your body pillow, facing my side of the bed. You were silent as a stone, but you were still there, still facing me. Sometimes that is the most we can manage. Sometimes even that is an incredible act of bravery. "This is what it's like to stay with me." I laid next to you on the bed and asked if I could touch you. You said yes and we were there together, quietly, for a few minutes.

I was there to listen to why you were upset, your doubts and fears. To hold you and touch you. Then you started to spiral into blaming yourself. I didn't know what to say or how to stop you from going where I knew you were going. I knew because I've done the same thing myself a million times. You were laying on your stomach. I had been caressing your back and kissing the back of your shoulder. But in that moment, when I didn't know quite what to do to stop the train, I found a meaty place on the top of your arm and I bit you. Not hard enough to really hurt but harder than the graze of teeth when kissing. It did what I wanted it to. You can have your feelings and I'm here for them, for you. But you have to stay here. You can't go there.

Later I thought about it. Who the fuck does that? What kind of relationship is that ok in? The answer: ours. The truth is that you have taken to service brilliantly. Even before we were in these roles, you used how I kept my place up as an inspiration for keeping yours better. You've become accustomed to doing the things that I've asked or that you know I'll need or want when I'm with you. Things that I sorta felt silly asking for at first have become almost second nature to us both. Hell, sometimes you remember better than I do. Knowing that you have put this devotion into me makes me want to be better too. A better person and partner and adult and mom and Mistress. As a good friend reminded me today, "we are all in service to our partners, top or bottom." The reason I hadn't looked for a new Dominant partner was because I didn't know anyone I was interested in who I felt I could trust with my devotion and service. That makes it all the more important to me to be someone you can trust with yours. Someone I trust with yours.

Yes, I am still stumbling in the dark. We still haven't found our thing. And yes I still worry we won't. Except... we have found a thing. We have found how your service to me demands more of you while also showing you that you are deserving of being owned. We have found how your service demands more of me as a person and as the one who cares for you while also demands that I give up my white-knuckled control over my life and doing everything for myself. No it isn't like finding out that you're a secret pain slut or that I'm amazingly adept at needle play. But my hope is that those things will come with time, and getting to have some mentorship and teaching in the community. This foundation of love and trust will be what we build that on though.